My sincerest apologies to Dr. Suess for taking his classic story and restating in a way relevant for job searchers. I hope you enjoy it!
How The Hiring Manager Stole the Interview
by Dr. Suess and Arleen Bradley
Every Unemployed Who
Down in Who-ville
Wanted a Job a lot…
But the HIRING MANAGER,
Who lived just North of Who-ville,
Did NOT!
The HIRING MANAGER hated the Unemployed! The whole Unemployed group!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be that his head wasn’t screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his budget was two sizes too small.
But,
Whatever the reason,
His budget or his shoes,
He sat there at his desk, hating the Unemployed Whos,
Staring down from his cubicle with a sour, HIRING MANAGERey frown
At the warm lighted windows below in their town.
For he knew every Unemployed Who down in Who-ville beneath
Was busy now, company researching instead of hanging their wreath.
“And they’re writing their interview questions!” he snarled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is an interview! It’s practically here!”
Then he growled, with his HIRING MANAGER fingers nervously drumming,
“I MUST find a way to keep the Unemployed from coming!”
For, tomorrow, he knew…
…All the Un Employed Who gals and guys
Would wake up bright and early. To dress in dresses and ties!
And then! Oh, the interviews! Oh, the interviews! Interviews! Interviews! Interviews!
That’s one thing he hated! The INTERVIEWS! INTERVIEWS! INTERVIEWS! INTERVIEWS!
Then the Unemployed Whos, young and old, would sit down to an interview.
And they’d interview! And they’d interview!
And they’d INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW!
They would start on Who-experience, and Who-education
Which was something the HIRING MANAGER would need a vacation!
And THEN
They’d do something he liked least of all!
Every Unemployed Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with clock ticking.
They’d shake hands. And the Whos would start interviewing!
They’d interview! And they’d interview!
AND they’d INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW! INTERVIEW!
And the more the HIRING MANAGER thought of the Who–Network
The more the HIRING MANAGER thought, “I must stop this whole thing!
“Why for fifty-three years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop interviewing from coming!
…But HOW?”
Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
THE HIRING MANAGER
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!
“I know just what to do!” The HIRING MANAGER Laughed in his Hiring Manager throat.
And he made a quick Geek Squad hat and a coat.
And he chuckled, and clucked, “What a great HIRING MANAGERey trick!
“With this coat and this hat, I’ll look just like a Geek!”
“All I need is a Volkswagen bug…”
The HIRING MANAGER looked around.
But since VW bugs are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the old HIRING MANAGER…?
No! The HIRING MANAGER simply said,
“If I can’t find a bug I’ll make one instead!”
So he took his Pinto. Then he took some paint
And he painted that Pinto white and black without restraint.
THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
In his GEEK Pinto
Then the HIRING MANAGER shifted into gear!”
And the Pinto started down
Toward the homes where the Unemployed Whos
Lay a-snooze in their town.
All their windows were dark. Quiet anticipation filled the air.
All the Unemployed Whos were all dreaming sweet job dreams without a care
When he came to the first house in the square.
“This is stop number one,” The old HIRING MANAGERey Geek hissed
And he climbed to the roof, empty bags in his fist.
Then he slid down the chimney. A rather tight pinch.
But if Santa could do it, then so could the HIRING MANAGER.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
Then he stuck his head out of the fireplace flue
Where he saw the little Unemployed Who resumes piled in a row.
“These resumes,” he grinned, “are the first things to go!”
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile most unpleasant,
Around the whole room, and he took every resume!
Cover letters! And Job posting! Company Research! Recommendations from chums!
Business cards! Printers! And even the Tums!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the HIRING MANAGER, very nimbly,
Stuffed all the bags, one by one, up the chimney!
Then he slunk to the closet. He took the Unemployed Whos’ shoes!
He took the suit! He took the dress!
He cleaned out the closet as quick as a flash.
Why, that HIRING MANAGER even took their sock stash!
Then he stuffed all the resume paper up the chimney with a snicker.
“And NOW!” grinned the HIRING MANAGER, “I will stuff up the computer”
And the HIRING MANAGER grabbed the computer, and he started to shove
When he heard a small sound like the coo of a dove.
He turned around fast, and he saw a small Who!
Little Cindy-Lou Who, who was not more than two.
The HIRING MANAGER had been caught by this little Unemployed Who daughter
Who’d got out of bed for a cup of cold water.
She stared at the HIRING MANAGER and said, “HIRING MANAGER, why,
“Why are you taking our computer? WHY?”
But, you know, that old HIRING MANAGER was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little tot,” the HIRING MANAGER lied,
“There’s a port that won’t work on one side.
“So I’m taking it home to my workshop, my dear.
“I’ll fix it up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
And his fib fooled the child. Then he patted her head
And he got her a drink and he sent her to bed.
And when Cindy-Lou Who went to bed with her cup,
He went to the chimney and stuffed the computer up!
Then the last thing he took
Was the printer wire.
Then he went up the chimney himself, the old liar.
On their desks left nothing but empty notebooks, and internet wire.
And the one piece of paper
he left in the house
Was a scrap that was even too small for a list.
Then
He did the same thing
To the other Unemployed Whos’ houses
Leaving only scraps of paper
Much too small
For the other Unemployed Whos’ lists!
It was quarter past dawn…
All the Unemployed Whos, still a-bed
All the Unemployed Whos, still a-snooze
When he packed up his Pinto,
Packed it up with their research! Their resumes! Their cover letters!
Their printers! And their ink! Their business cards! Their papers!
The Hiring Manager thousand feet up! Up the side of Mount Crumpit,
He rode to the tiptop to dump it!
“Pooh-pooh to the Unemployed Whos!” he was HIRING MANAGER-ish-ly humming.
“They’re finding out now that no interview is coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
“All the Unemployed Whos down in Who-ville will all cry BOO-HOO!”
“Those are questions and answers,” grinned the HIRING MANAGER,
“That I simply must hear!”
So he paused. And the HIRING MANAGER put a hand to his ear.
And he did hear questions and answers over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow…
But the sound wasn’t sad!
Why, this sound sounded poised!
It couldn’t be so!
But it WAS self-confident! VERY assured!
He stared down at Who-ville!
The HIRING MANAGER popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!
Every Unemployed Who down in Who-ville, the tall and the small,
Were interviewing! Without any resumes at all!
He HADN’T stopped the interview from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
And the HIRING MANAGER, with his HIRING MANAGER-feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so?
It came without resumes! It came without cover letters!
“It came without business cards, computers or printers!”
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then the HIRING MANAGER thought of something he hadn’t before!
“Maybe Interviews” he thought, “don’t have to be a bore.
“Maybe I…perhaps…I can learn a little bit more!”
And what happened then…?
Well…in Who-ville they say
That the HIRING MANAGER’s small heart
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn’t feel quite so tight,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the resumes! And the computer and the printer!
And he…
…HE HIMSELF…!
The HIRING MANAGER hired the best interviewee!
